People-pleasing, no self-care, and empty promises

A friend of mine was very interested in a slim, health-conscious yoga and Pilates instructor. This man was a couch potato himself, but he was attracted to her beauty. He took a few yoga lessons with her, but she did not appear romantically inclined. He dropped the lessons. He confided to me, “If I hadn’t been chasing skirt, I never would have bothered with the yoga.”

This sounds cynical. But what if you knew that he also referred to this woman as his “soulmate” and was clearly open to a serious relationship with her? Would that change your interpretation? Was it sour grapes? Was the deprecatory remark about yoga motivated only by a desire to protect himself because she didn’t return his interest?

That man and I went on to fall in love and eventually we moved in together. He said he was motivated to live a healthy lifestyle and take up sports and exercise, so we went hiking, took yoga classes and joined a gym. But soon, he tired of these things and stopped going. Then, he started poking fun at my attempts to eat right. His so-called motivation evaporated once he actually tried it out.

Was he flat-out lying and planning for the eventual bait-and-switch? Or did he give it a go and find he couldn’t hack it? The upshot was that he reverted to spending hours in front of the TV where his only exercise consisted of opening a beer bottle.

Should I have been more cautious? Should I have paid close attention to the yoga/Pilates comment and seen this coming?

The answer is probably yes. People may in theory embrace new behavior, but only the very rare individual will deliver the goods. I allowed myself to be swayed by someone who at the time would have promised me anything. It matters little whether he meant what he said when he said it. He probably did. After all, who consciously repudiates the idea of a healthy lifestyle? But what you see is what you get, and even though what I saw wasn’t exactly what I wanted, I allowed myself to dream.

So where does this leave compromise? Are there men who will alter their behavior for love, for increased self-respect and self-care, or does a leopard never change its spots? If so, how does this comport with the possibility of personal growth and neuronal rewiring?