Spoiler Alert: Most of this website aims to be serious, soul-searching and sensitive. (Well, sort of.) This piece is an attempt at satire, and virtually nothing in it is true.

My live-in romance with Significant Other was crumbling, and there was little I still liked about him. Endearments that once had thrilled me now seemed neutral, and endearments that had left me neutral me now positively grated.  “Better?” he would ask after sex. Was I better? Better??? Did he find me out of sorts, and in need of his penis for a cure? Perhaps my vagina had a cold and he intended to gift me with a squirt of decongestant. (“Oh darling, I’m so grateful. My quim was all stuffed up. Thanks to you, now it can breathe again.”) No, it’s just men’s famous delusion that they possess a magic wand. I’m male, ergo I’m ego.

Magic Wand Syndrome appears closely related to Hotness Delusion Syndrome, a malady that was researched extensively a few years back. This psychiatric condition tricks middle-aged men into thinking they’re chick magnets despite the mirror’s proof of paunch, atrophying muscles, receding hairlines and receding, ahem, virility. Personally, I’m the forgiving sort, and those signs of age would be perfectly tolerable if it weren’t for the psychotic breaks accompanying Magic Wand or Hotness Delusion Syndrome.

Scientists speculate that the identical mutation in females is responsible for the podiatric condition known as Ugly Shoe Syndrome, which compels older women to date men with Hotness Delusion or Magic Wand Syndrome because, like the ugly footwear euphemistically labeled “comfort shoes,” that’s all that’s available for women who have reached a certain age.

But what if a magic wand really could wipe out colds and other ailments? It would be the Holy Grail for the Republicans in Washington who want to slash health care spending. Such a drastic reduction in illness might cut Medicare costs in half. Imagine, a good schtupping that would knock out cancer cells, reduce arterial plaque, lower the risk of stroke, and please, dear God, cure arthritis and reverse middle-aged spread.

Furthermore, to help level the economic playing field, men suffering from Hotness Delusion or Magic Wand Syndrome could supplement their Social Security or Disability with a small honorarium – at least those guys who weren’t tethered to medications that rendered them dependent on a blue pill. Syndrome sufferers able to deliver the goods would be doing their patriotic duty, and getting paid for it to boot. In the event of co-morbidities such as Jesus delusions, they could boast they were doing their bit for God and country.

Always alert for an opportunity to fleece their stakeholders reduce suffering worldwide and serve the health interests of the rich common man, pharmaceutical companies are racing to develop drugs that will be delivered via The Magic Wand. Always alert for an opportunity to fleece their stakeholders Make America Happy Again, Big Pharma’s CEOs have directed that the first iteration will ensure that anyone with insurance has adequate blood levels of anti-depressants as well as anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, anti-convulsant, anti-manic, anti-ADHD, anti-IED, anti-ODD, anti-OCD and anti-pain medications.

Hot on their trail, nanorobotics manufacturers will soon unveil a self-replicating nanobot that will attach to at least 10% of newly created spermatozoa and are small enough to be absorbed into the bloodstream of women forming an acquaintance with The Magic Wand.

The spermbots have two purposes: the first group will lodge in the genital tract of female Magic Wand aficionados — usually Ugly Shoe Syndrome victims — and send data to the manufacturers of sex toys in order to spur competition and increase consumer choice, according to the lobbyists congressmen who spearheaded the recent rollback of those pesky innovation-smothering and business-stifling internet privacy regulations.

Of course, that data will remain anonymous; the manufacturers as well as the Eastern European and Chinese computer experts who tirelessly monitor firewalls have promised, and the social media giants are also offering a guarantee of privacy — especially to you, Wendy in Wichita, who keeps buying the rotating rabbit and vibrating butt beads.

The purpose of the second group is still under wraps, but highly placed White House sources say nanorobotics manufacturers are co-operating closely with the Department of Homeland Security, which is always alert for an opportunity to Make America Safe Again. The CEO of one nanorobotics startup told me under condition of anonymity that he and a high level DHS official had the same idea after watching Elizabeth Hurley’s Fembot breasts spray the room with bullets: they realized that if spermbots could lodge in women’s pupils and cochleas, wives, girlfriends and Ugly Shoe sufferers throughout America could serve as the eyes and ears in the war on illegal immigrants and other terrorists.

Wait! Don’t you believe in magic? It exists. But it’s in the distaff, not the staff.

The following is serious, dear readers, and maybe even true. So-called copulins, identified in monkeys several decades ago, are secreted during intercourse by the walls of the vagina of many primates, including humans. Supposedly copulins cause a state of bliss in the male once they are absorbed through his urethra, and apparently the trick is for the woman and man to remain immobile, or at least slow-moving, long enough for these secretions to work their way inside your guy. And once that happens, his mind will become putty and you can program him to do your bidding.

No wham bam thank you ma’am for the medieval Asians who gave the world the real secret to feeling better: the Kama Sutra, where they’re always smiling in the illustrations. Maybe that’s why Sting shared seven-hour tantric sex sessions with his wife, Trudie Styler, although he later said that chunk of time included “dinner and a movie.”

But you don’t hear me asking, “Better? Are you better now that my secretions have worked their way into your recesses?” Maybe that’s my problem. Delusions of hotness disappeared decades ago, and I’ve never been inclined to use sex to get my way.

Even if I were, that time has come and gone. Sadly, copulins appear to be produced only during ovulation. So for us women of a certain age, we’ll just have to be content with ugly shoes and men who ask us if we’re better when they wave The Magic Wand in our direction.